anxiety

Another New Year! Damn This Brain!

Mike Nobody music , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hi. How are you? Enjoying the new year yet?

2021 wasn’t as bad as 2020, I guess. It still blew, though. Shit always happens. My minivan has been in and out of the shop all year long. I have proof that the mechanics have been sabotaging it. Every time I brought it in for one thing, something else went wrong within a few days. I took it in for the radiator, passenger door, and brakes. That led to the transmission going completely out. They half-ass patched that up, which failed when the weather got cold. I got it back from them again with only two gears working, and now the exhaust pipe between the engine and muffler is gone. It looks like it is a clean cut. It is not rusted off. So, I think it has been deliberate. I talked to a lawyer about my options. He said that, because of the age of the vehicle, I wouldn’t get much after paying legal fees. He suggested that I talk to the police about it. But, I probably won’t. It wouldn’t do me any good.

I consolidated some of my debts, to bring the interest rate and monthly payments down. It was killing me, financially. Hopefully, if I maintain this for a couple of months, I can raise my credit score a bit. I need to borrow enough to replace the car, among other things.

Many businesses have gone bankrupt during the pandemic. Music venues seem to slowly be coming back again, though. Will I book any gigs? I dunno. Some of my musical gear is in need of repair or replacement, which got me thinking about something. It would probably be a good idea to leave all of this stuff at home if I perform live again. That is a BIG if! Keeping a stable band together has never been one of my skills and I don’t enjoy playing alone very much. There may be temporary fixes that I can try. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I already decided, months ago, that the Korg M3 Sampler/Workstation is too fragile and expensive to be lugging around everywhere. Some of my gear is very old and getting more costly to find replacements for. I’m always looking for equipment & methods to shape my sound a particular way that I like. There are inevitable trade-offs between what I want and what I can afford. I don’t mind trying just about anything when I’m recording at home or in a studio. Translating that into a live performance can be tricky, without a lot of money.

As a general rule of thumb, it would be a REALLY good idea to avoid taking anything on the road that can’t easily be replaced in a day or two, preferably by an insurance claim. Something will always get damaged or stolen when you play out for any considerable length of time. It is not a matter of if, but when. It has happened to me before. Renting a van and an equipment backline could supply most of what is needed in any venue. That might be costly, unless I can get guarantees from the booking people to cover the overhead. If I’m playing DIY shows in some kid’s basement, that isn’t a viable option. So, by necessity, I would have to play some bars/clubs to do anything at all. In my experience, I think some of those place are just fronts to launder drug money. I could be wrong. But, how else does an empty building stay in business without any customers?

I have ideas to build myself a few custom instruments that could handle the wear & tear that typically happens when schlepping stuff between gigs. If they happen to break, I can find parts at any music store and fix it myself. Would it sound EXACTLY the same as my recordings? Maybe not. But, I think I can come pretty close.

Since getting supplemental insurance for my Medicare plan, my doctors are out of network. I owe my psychiatrist hundreds of dollars now and can’t get my medications refilled. So, I’m looking for someone new… and a new general practitioner, while I’m at it. With my current transportation problems I need to find people closer, too. I have been stretching my meds as much as I can. But, the difference it has on my mind is very noticeable. Since I’m not taking them as much I have been drinking more. Alcohol diminishes their effectiveness. So, if I’m not taking them anyway, why not?

One upside to this is that alcohol does help me to stop overthinking and being hypercritical of myself as much, completing more tasks that I begin. I still hyperfocus a lot. But, at least it is more productive than being a hindrance, like usual. DAMN THIS BRAIN!

Bullet journaling has helped me a lot in the past year or so. It is better to store information on paper than in your head, where too many distractions get in the way. I need to improve my method of cataloguing ideas, though. There are tapes misplaced all over the apartment full of demos, riffs, samples, etc. I try to keep the notebooks with my bullet journal. I lost one for a couple of days, then, found it again in an old backpack.

Don’t Look Up is the best movie of 2021, IMO. It is a dark comedy mix of Network (1976) and Dr. Strangelove (1964) with a lot of Idiocracy (2006). Originally conceived as a satire on climate change, it has taken on other layers of unintended meaning. The coronavirus pandemic hit during production and the establishment’s response made satire redundant. The director wondered aloud if completing the movie was even necessary. Now, I want to find a red MAGA hat that says “DON’T LOOK UP!”

Thanksgiving Update 2021

Mike Nobody music , , , , ,

Happy Thanksgiving! You wouldn’t know it from the decorations on display. Santa Claus is already poking his fat ass into everything since Halloween. Jeezus, can we have just one holiday at a time? Please?

2021 Hamtramck, Michigan

I thought that I would catch you up on things, to prove that I’m not dead… yet. I was supposed to be a “celebrity judge” at this year’s Planet 9 Film Fest in Hamtramck, again. But, I never made it out of Taylor. I got halfway across town and unexpectedly had to turn around because the transmission was failing. I barely crawled the car home and had to push it into our parking lot, alone. A few weeks prior to this I had taken it to the repair shop. The undercarriage is rotting apart (that’s Michigan for ya). When they had made the initial repairs I brought it in for, it was returned to me with severe transmission problems, just like now. I took it back and they fixed it for free. But, they only half-ass patched up the transmission line with some hose. I think that the sudden cold weather caused the line to break again. Anyway, I took it back again a third time, being pushed the entire way by the mechanic’s car. But, the damage was done. This time, when I got the car back, it only had the first two gears and reverse. The shop warned me to get rid of the vehicle before. It is not worth dumping money into. But, I had limited options, and went deeper in debt to have it worked on anyway. Now, this junker can barely get to 30mph, making it useless for anything but grocery shopping. The debt payments are sucking away half my income, now, as I look for a way to consolidate them into something more manageable. A few days ago, to make matters worse, the exhaust pipe has broken somewhere between the engine and muffler. So, the car is loud as shit!

The timing of this is really terrible, too. I had recently found a guitarist and a drummer who want to collab with me. But, now the guitarist has backed out and I haven’t heard from the drummer in awhile. Without reliable transportation, I can’t blame them for leaving.

The monitor used with my main computer crapped out on me, only months after buying it. So, I have relocated the studio computer next to it. They now share a monitor together, with a KVM switch. I have moved the Korg Workstation / Sampler next to them, as well. So, my home recording setup is mostly collected together in a corner of my bedroom, now. The living room feels a lot bigger since doing this. There are lots of other repairs and upgrades needed for my gear. But, as always, I make do with what is available and add stuff to it as I go.

Well, guess that is all I have to say, for now. Enjoy your food. Try not to argue with your family over dumb bullshit. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Here’s What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Mike Nobody art, autobiography, depression, Mike Nobody, music

Caring both too much and not at all means never winning.

[Editor’s note: Anxiety and depression affect everyone differently — but dealing with both is extremely common. Nearly one-half of people diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety and depression are deeply personal, and although this list represents only one experience, we hope you find some solace in knowing others might be going through what you are.]

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

1. It’s freaking out at the idea of getting anything less than a stellar score on a test, but not having the energy to study.

2. It’s having to stay in bed because you don’t have the will to move, but unraveling at the thought of what will happen if you miss school or work.

3. It’s feeling more tired the less you move, but your heart racing at the thought of taking the first step.

4. It’s getting more tightly wound the more mess piles up, but only staring at it and thinking, I’ll clean tomorrow.

5. It’s making six million to-do lists just to untangle your thoughts, but knowing you’ll never actually cross anything off.

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

6. It’s believing that every canceled plan will end your friendships, but not having it in you to follow through.

7. It’s feeling hopelessly low that you’re still goddamn single, but canceling every first date because the thought of going through with it gives you heart palpitations.

8. It’s fearing every day that your partner will get fed up and leave, but your anxiety whispering in your ear that they deserve better and should.

9. It’s ignoring texts and turning down invitations, and it’s aching when the texts and invitations stop.

10. It’s the constant fear of winding up alone, but accidentally isolating yourself because you sometimes just need to hide from it all.

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

11. It’s wanting nothing more than to crawl home and sleep at 2 p.m., but your skittering, panicked pulse keeping you awake at 2 a.m.

12. It’s alternating between feeling paralyzed in the present and scared shitless about the future.

13. It’s not enjoying the good days because you’re too gripped by the anxiety that the next low is around the corner.

14. It’s sleeping too much or not at all.

15. It’s needing a break from your racing thoughts, but not being able to climb out of the pit of yourself.

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

16. It’s needing to do everything, but wanting to do nothing at all.

17. It’s coping mechanisms and escapism, because when you’re not trying to hide from one part of your brain, you’re hiding from the other.

18. It’s wondering if the things that are making your heart feel heavy are things your anxious mind just made up.

19. It’s sitting awake at 3 a.m. worrying about a future you’re not even sure you want to have.

20. It’s feeling too much and nothing at all at the same time, which means feeling like you can never win.

But you can. And you will. You’re not alone.

To learn more about depression and anxiety, check out the resources at the National Institute of Mental Health here and here.

If you are dealing with thoughts of suicide, you can speak to someone immediately here or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which you can reach at 1-800-273-8255.

If you want to speak with someone anonymously, go here for additional help.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/20-feelings-that-sum-up-having-both-depression-and-anxiety#.klrmM7l6G1