Thanksgiving Update 2021

Happy Thanksgiving! You wouldn’t know it from the decorations on display. Santa Claus is already poking his fat ass into everything since Halloween. Jeezus, can we have just one holiday at a time? Please?

2021 Hamtramck, Michigan

I thought that I would catch you up on things, to prove that I’m not dead… yet. I was supposed to be a “celebrity judge” at this year’s Planet 9 Film Fest in Hamtramck, again. But, I never made it out of Taylor. I got halfway across town and unexpectedly had to turn around because the transmission was failing. I barely crawled the car home and had to push it into our parking lot, alone. A few weeks prior to this I had taken it to the repair shop. The undercarriage is rotting apart (that’s Michigan for ya). When they had made the initial repairs I brought it in for, it was returned to me with severe transmission problems, just like now. I took it back and they fixed it for free. But, they only half-ass patched up the transmission line with some hose. I think that the sudden cold weather caused the line to break again. Anyway, I took it back again a third time, being pushed the entire way by the mechanic’s car. But, the damage was done. This time, when I got the car back, it only had the first two gears and reverse. The shop warned me to get rid of the vehicle before. It is not worth dumping money into. But, I had limited options, and went deeper in debt to have it worked on anyway. Now, this junker can barely get to 30mph, making it useless for anything but grocery shopping. The debt payments are sucking away half my income, now, as I look for a way to consolidate them into something more manageable.

The timing of this is really terrible, too. I had recently found a guitarist and a drummer who want to collab with me. But, now the guitarist has backed out and I haven’t heard from the drummer in awhile. Without reliable transportation, I can’t blame them for leaving.

The monitor used with my main computer crapped out on me, only months after buying it. So, I have relocated the studio computer next to it. They now share a monitor together, with a KVM switch. I have moved the Korg Workstation / Sampler next to them, as well. So, my home recording setup is mostly collected together in a corner of my bedroom, now. The living room feels a lot bigger since doing this. There are lots of other repairs and upgrades needed for my gear. But, as always, I make do with what is available and add stuff to it as I go.

I know that you’re not supposed to self-diagnose yourself. But, the more I have looked into it, the more it appears like I may have been misdiagnosed (partially) by a previous psychiatrist. The symptoms that I have correlate very much with ADHD. Adult ADHD symptoms may include:

  • Impulsiveness
  • Disorganization and problems prioritizing
  • Poor time management skills
  • Problems focusing on a task
  • Trouble multitasking
  • Excessive activity or restlessness
  • Poor planning
  • Low frustration tolerance
  • Frequent mood swings
  • Problems following through and completing tasks
  • Hot temper
  • Trouble coping with stress

Another common one is hyperfocusing. Hyperfocus is highly focused attention that lasts a long time. You concentrate on something so hard that you lose track of everything else going on around you.

Doctors often see hyperfocus in people who have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but it’s not an official symptom. One study looked at brain activity in people who were concentrating very hard. It found differences that could mean hyperfocus comes more naturally to people who have ADHD.

People with ADHD aren’t the only ones who have hyperfocus. Just about anyone can get lost in something that interests them. You shut out the rest of the world and lose track of time. People with ADHD have trouble breaking out of it, though, and switching their attention to something else.

It also can make it harder to diagnose ADHD, especially in kids considered gifted. They do better in school because their high IQs help them get past the issues with learning that usually go along with the disorder, and their ability to hyperfocus can make it even harder to spot.

Maybe my depression and social anxiety are just co-morbidities? I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my current psychiatrist about getting properly tested for this. Some of the psychotropic medications that I’m already on are used for treatment of ADHD. Maybe a dosage adjustment could make a difference. Until I get my hypothesis confirmed or disconfirmed I will treat this problem accordingly, as if I do have ADHD, with any recommended tips that may be useful. Some of these I do already, anyway.

Well, guess that is all I have to say, for now. Enjoy your food. Try not to argue with your family over dumb bullshit. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Here’s What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Caring both too much and not at all means never winning.

[Editor’s note: Anxiety and depression affect everyone differently — but dealing with both is extremely common. Nearly one-half of people diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety and depression are deeply personal, and although this list represents only one experience, we hope you find some solace in knowing others might be going through what you are.]

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

1. It’s freaking out at the idea of getting anything less than a stellar score on a test, but not having the energy to study.

2. It’s having to stay in bed because you don’t have the will to move, but unraveling at the thought of what will happen if you miss school or work.

3. It’s feeling more tired the less you move, but your heart racing at the thought of taking the first step.

4. It’s getting more tightly wound the more mess piles up, but only staring at it and thinking, I’ll clean tomorrow.

5. It’s making six million to-do lists just to untangle your thoughts, but knowing you’ll never actually cross anything off.

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

6. It’s believing that every canceled plan will end your friendships, but not having it in you to follow through.

7. It’s feeling hopelessly low that you’re still goddamn single, but canceling every first date because the thought of going through with it gives you heart palpitations.

8. It’s fearing every day that your partner will get fed up and leave, but your anxiety whispering in your ear that they deserve better and should.

9. It’s ignoring texts and turning down invitations, and it’s aching when the texts and invitations stop.

10. It’s the constant fear of winding up alone, but accidentally isolating yourself because you sometimes just need to hide from it all.

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

11. It’s wanting nothing more than to crawl home and sleep at 2 p.m., but your skittering, panicked pulse keeping you awake at 2 a.m.

12. It’s alternating between feeling paralyzed in the present and scared shitless about the future.

13. It’s not enjoying the good days because you’re too gripped by the anxiety that the next low is around the corner.

14. It’s sleeping too much or not at all.

15. It’s needing a break from your racing thoughts, but not being able to climb out of the pit of yourself.

Here's What No One Tells You About Having Both Depression And Anxiety

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

16. It’s needing to do everything, but wanting to do nothing at all.

17. It’s coping mechanisms and escapism, because when you’re not trying to hide from one part of your brain, you’re hiding from the other.

18. It’s wondering if the things that are making your heart feel heavy are things your anxious mind just made up.

19. It’s sitting awake at 3 a.m. worrying about a future you’re not even sure you want to have.

20. It’s feeling too much and nothing at all at the same time, which means feeling like you can never win.

But you can. And you will. You’re not alone.

To learn more about depression and anxiety, check out the resources at the National Institute of Mental Health here and here.

If you are dealing with thoughts of suicide, you can speak to someone immediately here or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which you can reach at 1-800-273-8255.

If you want to speak with someone anonymously, go here for additional help.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/20-feelings-that-sum-up-having-both-depression-and-anxiety#.klrmM7l6G1